Before we start, watch this episode
here (since I'm too lazy to screen cap):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Pxr-9vgHc
Well even though I think reviewing is
as dead as the moa
(basically the ostriches badass cousin that will curbstomp you if you
piss it off too much), I feel it's my national duty to review The
Wild Thornberrys episode “Hot Air”, where they visit lovely old
New Zealand.
For those not in the know, The Wild
Thornberrys is an old Nickelodeon show about a girl (Eliza) who has
the power to talk to animals. Her parents are wildlife documentarists
who travel the world. Her older sister Debbie, her adopted wild child
brother Dobbie and resident monkey friend Darwin all accompany Eliza
on her adventures. With me so far? Well onto the episode.
So it starts off with the usual intro
and zoom in onto the map. Now I don't live in Rotorua, but I live
about two and a half hours north of it in that skinny little bit near
the top. Aka Auckland, the best city in the country (and yet the rest
of the country calls us Jafa's aka Just Another @#$^ing Aucklander.
Wonder why). We open on sheep (okay I'll give them that, NZ does have
more sheep then people), before we see the Thornberrys on their
travels. Apparently they're here to film the tuatara.
… The
tuatara... Now don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but...
THE NATIONAL ANIMAL OF NEW ZEALAND IS
THE @#$^ING KIWI! IT'S WHAT WE @#$^ING CALL OURSELVES!
Or to put that in more civil terms,
when you think New Zealand, you think Kiwi.
It's our national animal, the one the appears in all the promotional
material, hell it's what we call ourselves (since New Zealanders is a
bit of a mouthful when we're kicking arse at the Olympics). Why
choose the tuatara (an animal we're so indifferent to we killed it
when we took the coin it was on out of circulation, aka the 5c coin,
also another reason why NZ is better then the USA). Anyway, the Kiwi
is nocturnal, so obviously they didn't want to set it during the
night. Lets move on.
After Nigel Thornberry gives a smashing
lecture about the tuatara (new drinking game: take a shot every time
I say the word “smashing” in this review) Debbie says how the
food in her fridge has gone off. Little known fact, but all the food
in that fridge is brought in NZ. Because you could not smuggle even a
quarter of an apple into this country without the customs descending
upon you like a pack of vicious dogs, led by their pack of vicious
dogs. You could smuggle Class C, B and A drugs and we wouldn't bat an
eyelid, but we will take you down if you try to get a banana past
customs.
God not even a minute in and I've
already ranted three hundred odd words. This bodes well.
Anyway we have a scene between Eliza
and Darwin that doesn't interest me cos it mentions nothing about New
Zealand, so it's not fun to make fun of. But yes, Rotorua does indeed
stink to high heaven. It's like someone let rip a really good fart.
But the Thornberrys are going to a smashing (take a shot) Maori
celebration called a hui and wow I may be a white English boy but at
least I pronounce the names somewhat correctly (which is why I always
get frustrated with Nash when he rhymes Auckland with Orc). All for
the sake of a pun.
Anyway Eliza says that Rotorua is full
of volcanic activity (bitch please, I live in a city that has over 50
volcanoes and not even half of them are extinct, just dormant.
Rotorua got nothing on us) when a geyser they're walking by goes off.
Now I don't know where in Rotorua you can get that close to a geyser
full of boiling water, but we do have the boiling mud areas where you
can take a relaxing mud bath (and you can see where it gets so hot
the ground literally melts. It's pretty damn awesome). But no, there
aren't any geysers left about in the open like that.
They then enter a traditional Maori
village... that I've never seen in Rotorua. Granted this episode does
take place a good 15 years ago, but this place never existed. I can
think of the Spa they're referencing, but there's no such village
like this in Rotorua. They're greeted by a local Maori...
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA
WHOA. WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE @^*# IS UP WITH HIS VOICE. WHY THE @#$^
DOES HE SOUND LIKE A #$%&ING AUSTRALIAN?
For those not in the know, confusing
New Zealand with Australia is like confusing the USA with Canada, or
England with France, or a well-bred race horse with a retarded mule.
We're better than that. We weren't settled by a bunch of convicts.
Anyway they do the traditional greeting
(which is accurate, so I can't make fun there) where Debbie bumps
into a Maori teenage that is actually voiced by a New Zealander. Then
some Maori's dance... @#$@ if I know what that is, I've never seen
any of my mates dance like that. Oh, no, the Australian Maori said it
was the Kane Kane... Yeah never heard of it, but I'm no expert on
Maori culture.
Anyway Eliza wants to go hot air
ballooning. It's something she wanted to do all her life. Even though
she's in Rotorua and she can go Zorbing
(basically you get in a giant inflatable ball and roll down a hill.
NZ tends to have simple pleasures that are also totally awesome).
I feel like I should mention, this
village they're be in is a tourist trap, since the Maori people don't
really live this way. We do have some semblance of civilisation. But
enough bitching, how far we got so far?
… 5 minutes? Christ I'm gonna be
writing a novel at this rate.
More flirting with Debbie and the Maori
dude, they're pretty accurate about how the tradition works, so
nothing to make fun of here. Moving on.
Anyway Eliza, apparently walking to the
Luge (I'll explain why this is stupid in a moment), sees the Gondola
you get in to go up it. Again, this is fairly accurate, save for the
fact that we have it inside a building and not just out in the open
like that. Once again, we're not that stone-age. But when Eliza says
it's the fastest way to get to the balloon rides... yeah no
ballooning would happen on top of a mountain near a @#$^ing Gondola
with low cables. That's just stupid.
Anyway she sees the beautiful sights of
Rotorua...
Okay hold on, I think I need to show
you this link: http://www.skyline.co.nz/rotorua/ssr_webcam/
It's a webcam on the top of the mountain she's on. Why do I say
this...
BECAUSE ROTORUA ISN'T A LITTLE FOREST
AND ONE MAORI VILLAGE BUT A WHOLE @#$^ING TOWN! THERE ARE BUILDINGS
AND INFRASTRUCTURE AND OTHER RICH PEOPLE STUFF TOO!
And Eliza would not be close to any
geysers cos they're on a totally different area that's not a
mountain. But trust me, it gets worst later on.
Anyway Eliza and Darwin fight, ad
break, only 14 minutes left by this point. But here it is, the animal
of the episode. The one Eliza gets to talk to. And it is...
… A POSSUM! THE ANIMAL YOU'RE USING
TO REPRESENT NEW ZEALAND IS A POSSUM! THE ANIMAL WHO'S SUCH A PEST WE
ACTIVELY TRY TO KILL THE BLOODY THINGS! AND YOU THINK YOU SHOULD USE
THE POSSUM!
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid the
regular blogger for this blog has had to be removed due to getting
angry. You see the possum, whilst classed as an endangered species in
Australia, is such a pest over here we actively try to get rid of it.
It has nearly wiped out the Kiwis and other native birds by eating
their eggs and you think that that should be the animal to use? The
@#$^ing possum. I mean it's nocturnal and you choose it over the
Kiwi. The KIWI. THE KIWI. YOU CHOSE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE KIWI
OVER THE DAMN SYMBOL OF THIS COUNTRY! THE THING WE'RE ACTIVELY TRYING
TO KILL!
Once again I apologise ladies and
gentlemen, the replacement blogger had himself be replaced due to an
onset of anger. Now where were we. Ah yes Batman hands over the BAT
CREDIT CARD! I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!
Okay first blogger here, I'm over it
now, lets just ignore it. The show makes the possum out to be a bit
of a bitch anyway, so it all works out just fine. Anyway the possum
shows Eliza a shortcut blah blah blah lets not elaborate on that bit
or I might explode again. Least the possum sounds like a proper New
Zealander.
More of Debbie flirting, fighting with
Donnie, saying she's dancing the Earthquake...
Yeah over the past year and a half
Christchurch has been hit by a series of earthquakes that have killed
over 70 people and done countless damage. This is pretty harsh in
hindsight, so I'm not going to joke about such a tragic event (though
I will always marvel at the Kiwi spirit and how we were quick to help
each other out).
Meanwhile Eliza and her... thing are
walking from the Luge to the hot air ballooning... okay I'm gonna cut
to the chase. Go to Google maps and enter these four addresses (since
I'm too lazy to screen shot):
A: Hellsgate Geothermal Park and Mud
Bath Spa, Hellsgate Geothermal Park and Mud Bath Spa, State Highway
30, Rotorua 3010
B: 185 Fairy Springs Rd, Fairy Springs,
Rotorua 3015
C: Agrodome, Western Road, Ngongotaha,
Bay Of Plenty
D: Volcanic Air Safaris, Memorial
Drive, Ohinemutu
For those too lazy to participate,
here's how it has happened thus far:
1)Eliza started off at point A and
somehow went 27 km in the space of a few minutes, somehow avoiding
all of the city since she ends up in the wildness.
2)She then walks from B to D, which is
about another 5 odd km.
Later on in the episode Darwin somehow
manages to get from A to B in a hell of a short space in time, whilst
Nigel Thornberry and his smashing (take a shot) wife walk about 10
odd km from B to C before coming back.
Why are these people walking so goddamn
much?
Anyway speaking of which Nigel and his
wife saw 10 emus, a dozen deer, plenty of rabbits... the hell did you
go? Emus and deer are not native to New Zealand. They're not a common
threat. The only places you'd find emus in the whole of New Zealand
is at a farm (funnily enough, located in Rotorua). It's called the
Agrodome. Why the smashing (take a shot) hell would they go to the
smashing (take a shot) Agrodome when they would smashing (take a
shot) know that there'd be no smashing (take a shot) tuataras there.
What total smashing (take a shot) idiots. Smashing (go to the
doctors, I've just destroyed your liver). But fortunately the Maori
dude knows where a private reserve is (that the Thornberrys didn't
already know about for some reason... Didn't they bother doing any
research?).
Anyway Eliza and her possum friend go
to the balloons where, in a surprising twist, the New Zealand balloon
operator doesn't try to kill the possum (though he sounds Australian,
so it explains a lot). Anyway Eliza somehow manages to accidentally
get stuck aboard an out of control hot air balloon (though no
ballooner is that irresponsible, but once again he's Australian). But
oh no, she's heading towards the Gondola cables...
See, this is why you don't balloon
here. You do it where you ain't gonna hit anything.
Anyway Darwin gets in a Gondola and
opens the door halfway through the trip, somehow breaking through a
rather tightly locked door (okay so there's a release handle, but
it's more complex then the one they're showing) and the ride comes to
a halt because of how dangerous this is. Just kidding, it goes on as
normal because @#$& a door hanging open dangerously like that
(which is why the doors actually slide outward rather then open like
a car door).
Anyway more screaming, more shouting,
turning on the burner to get up higher, more standard stuff.
Meanwhile Nigel Thornberry takes a
smashing (hope you hadn't put those glasses away yet) at something
that almost, but not quite, looks nothing like a proper tuatara (I
don't think they have spikes that big or look that ugly). But yes,
they do have a third eye.
Back to Eliza. She turns off the Bunsen
burner, so the balloon starts falling. She throws sandbags off to
slow down the fall because physics works differently in New Zealand
(opposite side of the world and all that).
Back to Debbie and the teenager that
turns out to just be acting to be traditional and is totally a normal
dude... yeah I'll give them that, it's a good twist. Can't make fun
here.
But Eliza and Darwin survive, they say
sorry (they're falling pretty slow considering how long their
conversation is. Gravity obviously weakens the further south you go).
They go down the luge (which is only vaguely related to the normal
luge, and does not have water at the end because it's powered by
gravity).
Debbie shows off the canoe she carved
(how much were they paying to get a whole canoe to carve anyway)
before doing a dance over a camp fire... I'm a pasty white boy and
even my Haka is more badass than that. What a better way to end it
then with a rubbish Haka.
But that's the Wild Thornberry episode
“Hot Air”. So how accurate is it? Well there's no city, no
civilisation, no real resemblance to NZ and has the wrong animal as
the star. All in all not too bad for a show that mostly got things
wrong anyway. But the end of this long rant is overdue (as was the
review, since this episode is already 10 years old and I bet you feel
odd now 90s kids) so I'll just sign off as usual. If you disagree
with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment.
Till next time.
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