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A Kiwi Reviews: The Wild Thornberrys Episode “Hot Air”

Before we start, watch this episode here (since I'm too lazy to screen cap): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Pxr-9vgHc

Well even though I think reviewing is as dead as the moa (basically the ostriches badass cousin that will curbstomp you if you piss it off too much), I feel it's my national duty to review The Wild Thornberrys episode “Hot Air”, where they visit lovely old New Zealand.

For those not in the know, The Wild Thornberrys is an old Nickelodeon show about a girl (Eliza) who has the power to talk to animals. Her parents are wildlife documentarists who travel the world. Her older sister Debbie, her adopted wild child brother Dobbie and resident monkey friend Darwin all accompany Eliza on her adventures. With me so far? Well onto the episode.

So it starts off with the usual intro and zoom in onto the map. Now I don't live in Rotorua, but I live about two and a half hours north of it in that skinny little bit near the top. Aka Auckland, the best city in the country (and yet the rest of the country calls us Jafa's aka Just Another @#$^ing Aucklander. Wonder why). We open on sheep (okay I'll give them that, NZ does have more sheep then people), before we see the Thornberrys on their travels. Apparently they're here to film the tuatara.

… The tuatara... Now don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but...

THE NATIONAL ANIMAL OF NEW ZEALAND IS THE @#$^ING KIWI! IT'S WHAT WE @#$^ING CALL OURSELVES!

Or to put that in more civil terms, when you think New Zealand, you think Kiwi. It's our national animal, the one the appears in all the promotional material, hell it's what we call ourselves (since New Zealanders is a bit of a mouthful when we're kicking arse at the Olympics). Why choose the tuatara (an animal we're so indifferent to we killed it when we took the coin it was on out of circulation, aka the 5c coin, also another reason why NZ is better then the USA). Anyway, the Kiwi is nocturnal, so obviously they didn't want to set it during the night. Lets move on.

After Nigel Thornberry gives a smashing lecture about the tuatara (new drinking game: take a shot every time I say the word “smashing” in this review) Debbie says how the food in her fridge has gone off. Little known fact, but all the food in that fridge is brought in NZ. Because you could not smuggle even a quarter of an apple into this country without the customs descending upon you like a pack of vicious dogs, led by their pack of vicious dogs. You could smuggle Class C, B and A drugs and we wouldn't bat an eyelid, but we will take you down if you try to get a banana past customs.

God not even a minute in and I've already ranted three hundred odd words. This bodes well.

Anyway we have a scene between Eliza and Darwin that doesn't interest me cos it mentions nothing about New Zealand, so it's not fun to make fun of. But yes, Rotorua does indeed stink to high heaven. It's like someone let rip a really good fart. But the Thornberrys are going to a smashing (take a shot) Maori celebration called a hui and wow I may be a white English boy but at least I pronounce the names somewhat correctly (which is why I always get frustrated with Nash when he rhymes Auckland with Orc). All for the sake of a pun.

Anyway Eliza says that Rotorua is full of volcanic activity (bitch please, I live in a city that has over 50 volcanoes and not even half of them are extinct, just dormant. Rotorua got nothing on us) when a geyser they're walking by goes off. Now I don't know where in Rotorua you can get that close to a geyser full of boiling water, but we do have the boiling mud areas where you can take a relaxing mud bath (and you can see where it gets so hot the ground literally melts. It's pretty damn awesome). But no, there aren't any geysers left about in the open like that.

They then enter a traditional Maori village... that I've never seen in Rotorua. Granted this episode does take place a good 15 years ago, but this place never existed. I can think of the Spa they're referencing, but there's no such village like this in Rotorua. They're greeted by a local Maori...

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE @^*# IS UP WITH HIS VOICE. WHY THE @#$^ DOES HE SOUND LIKE A #$%&ING AUSTRALIAN?

For those not in the know, confusing New Zealand with Australia is like confusing the USA with Canada, or England with France, or a well-bred race horse with a retarded mule. We're better than that. We weren't settled by a bunch of convicts.

Anyway they do the traditional greeting (which is accurate, so I can't make fun there) where Debbie bumps into a Maori teenage that is actually voiced by a New Zealander. Then some Maori's dance... @#$@ if I know what that is, I've never seen any of my mates dance like that. Oh, no, the Australian Maori said it was the Kane Kane... Yeah never heard of it, but I'm no expert on Maori culture.

Anyway Eliza wants to go hot air ballooning. It's something she wanted to do all her life. Even though she's in Rotorua and she can go Zorbing (basically you get in a giant inflatable ball and roll down a hill. NZ tends to have simple pleasures that are also totally awesome).

I feel like I should mention, this village they're be in is a tourist trap, since the Maori people don't really live this way. We do have some semblance of civilisation. But enough bitching, how far we got so far?

… 5 minutes? Christ I'm gonna be writing a novel at this rate.

More flirting with Debbie and the Maori dude, they're pretty accurate about how the tradition works, so nothing to make fun of here. Moving on.

Anyway Eliza, apparently walking to the Luge (I'll explain why this is stupid in a moment), sees the Gondola you get in to go up it. Again, this is fairly accurate, save for the fact that we have it inside a building and not just out in the open like that. Once again, we're not that stone-age. But when Eliza says it's the fastest way to get to the balloon rides... yeah no ballooning would happen on top of a mountain near a @#$^ing Gondola with low cables. That's just stupid.

Anyway she sees the beautiful sights of Rotorua...

Okay hold on, I think I need to show you this link: http://www.skyline.co.nz/rotorua/ssr_webcam/ It's a webcam on the top of the mountain she's on. Why do I say this...

BECAUSE ROTORUA ISN'T A LITTLE FOREST AND ONE MAORI VILLAGE BUT A WHOLE @#$^ING TOWN! THERE ARE BUILDINGS AND INFRASTRUCTURE AND OTHER RICH PEOPLE STUFF TOO!

And Eliza would not be close to any geysers cos they're on a totally different area that's not a mountain. But trust me, it gets worst later on.

Anyway Eliza and Darwin fight, ad break, only 14 minutes left by this point. But here it is, the animal of the episode. The one Eliza gets to talk to. And it is...

… A POSSUM! THE ANIMAL YOU'RE USING TO REPRESENT NEW ZEALAND IS A POSSUM! THE ANIMAL WHO'S SUCH A PEST WE ACTIVELY TRY TO KILL THE BLOODY THINGS! AND YOU THINK YOU SHOULD USE THE POSSUM!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid the regular blogger for this blog has had to be removed due to getting angry. You see the possum, whilst classed as an endangered species in Australia, is such a pest over here we actively try to get rid of it. It has nearly wiped out the Kiwis and other native birds by eating their eggs and you think that that should be the animal to use? The @#$^ing possum. I mean it's nocturnal and you choose it over the Kiwi. The KIWI. THE KIWI. YOU CHOSE THE NATURAL ENEMY OF THE KIWI OVER THE DAMN SYMBOL OF THIS COUNTRY! THE THING WE'RE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL!

Once again I apologise ladies and gentlemen, the replacement blogger had himself be replaced due to an onset of anger. Now where were we. Ah yes Batman hands over the BAT CREDIT CARD! I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!

Okay first blogger here, I'm over it now, lets just ignore it. The show makes the possum out to be a bit of a bitch anyway, so it all works out just fine. Anyway the possum shows Eliza a shortcut blah blah blah lets not elaborate on that bit or I might explode again. Least the possum sounds like a proper New Zealander.

More of Debbie flirting, fighting with Donnie, saying she's dancing the Earthquake...

Yeah over the past year and a half Christchurch has been hit by a series of earthquakes that have killed over 70 people and done countless damage. This is pretty harsh in hindsight, so I'm not going to joke about such a tragic event (though I will always marvel at the Kiwi spirit and how we were quick to help each other out).

Meanwhile Eliza and her... thing are walking from the Luge to the hot air ballooning... okay I'm gonna cut to the chase. Go to Google maps and enter these four addresses (since I'm too lazy to screen shot):

A: Hellsgate Geothermal Park and Mud Bath Spa, Hellsgate Geothermal Park and Mud Bath Spa, State Highway 30, Rotorua 3010

B: 185 Fairy Springs Rd, Fairy Springs, Rotorua 3015

C: Agrodome, Western Road, Ngongotaha, Bay Of Plenty

D: Volcanic Air Safaris, Memorial Drive, Ohinemutu

For those too lazy to participate, here's how it has happened thus far:

1)Eliza started off at point A and somehow went 27 km in the space of a few minutes, somehow avoiding all of the city since she ends up in the wildness.

2)She then walks from B to D, which is about another 5 odd km.

Later on in the episode Darwin somehow manages to get from A to B in a hell of a short space in time, whilst Nigel Thornberry and his smashing (take a shot) wife walk about 10 odd km from B to C before coming back.

Why are these people walking so goddamn much?

Anyway speaking of which Nigel and his wife saw 10 emus, a dozen deer, plenty of rabbits... the hell did you go? Emus and deer are not native to New Zealand. They're not a common threat. The only places you'd find emus in the whole of New Zealand is at a farm (funnily enough, located in Rotorua). It's called the Agrodome. Why the smashing (take a shot) hell would they go to the smashing (take a shot) Agrodome when they would smashing (take a shot) know that there'd be no smashing (take a shot) tuataras there. What total smashing (take a shot) idiots. Smashing (go to the doctors, I've just destroyed your liver). But fortunately the Maori dude knows where a private reserve is (that the Thornberrys didn't already know about for some reason... Didn't they bother doing any research?).

Anyway Eliza and her possum friend go to the balloons where, in a surprising twist, the New Zealand balloon operator doesn't try to kill the possum (though he sounds Australian, so it explains a lot). Anyway Eliza somehow manages to accidentally get stuck aboard an out of control hot air balloon (though no ballooner is that irresponsible, but once again he's Australian). But oh no, she's heading towards the Gondola cables...

See, this is why you don't balloon here. You do it where you ain't gonna hit anything.

Anyway Darwin gets in a Gondola and opens the door halfway through the trip, somehow breaking through a rather tightly locked door (okay so there's a release handle, but it's more complex then the one they're showing) and the ride comes to a halt because of how dangerous this is. Just kidding, it goes on as normal because @#$& a door hanging open dangerously like that (which is why the doors actually slide outward rather then open like a car door).

Anyway more screaming, more shouting, turning on the burner to get up higher, more standard stuff.

Meanwhile Nigel Thornberry takes a smashing (hope you hadn't put those glasses away yet) at something that almost, but not quite, looks nothing like a proper tuatara (I don't think they have spikes that big or look that ugly). But yes, they do have a third eye.

Back to Eliza. She turns off the Bunsen burner, so the balloon starts falling. She throws sandbags off to slow down the fall because physics works differently in New Zealand (opposite side of the world and all that).

Back to Debbie and the teenager that turns out to just be acting to be traditional and is totally a normal dude... yeah I'll give them that, it's a good twist. Can't make fun here.

But Eliza and Darwin survive, they say sorry (they're falling pretty slow considering how long their conversation is. Gravity obviously weakens the further south you go). They go down the luge (which is only vaguely related to the normal luge, and does not have water at the end because it's powered by gravity).

Debbie shows off the canoe she carved (how much were they paying to get a whole canoe to carve anyway) before doing a dance over a camp fire... I'm a pasty white boy and even my Haka is more badass than that. What a better way to end it then with a rubbish Haka.

But that's the Wild Thornberry episode “Hot Air”. So how accurate is it? Well there's no city, no civilisation, no real resemblance to NZ and has the wrong animal as the star. All in all not too bad for a show that mostly got things wrong anyway. But the end of this long rant is overdue (as was the review, since this episode is already 10 years old and I bet you feel odd now 90s kids) so I'll just sign off as usual. If you disagree with anything, or have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment. Till next time.

The Blank Page

Ah the fresh new page. The blank, endless canvas. You taunt us, toying with us like a child with a shiny object. In our heads thousands of possibilities swirl. But you force us to choose one. Just one. There are a million ways this scene could go. Which one is the best one? Should he say this, or that? Move this way, or that? Every little word changes it ever so slightly. Like a butterfly, who flaps its wings to cause a hurricane in China. Or gets stepped on in the past to upset the future. The empty page is like a cloud of butterflies that must be carefully stepped on. One line, one movement, one tiny word out of place and the story falls apart ever so slightly. Like taking a block from Jenga. We carefully ease words onto the paper, seeing whether they want to stay there. But that's the problem with the spotless page. What should go where? Writers are word smiths, forging them into objects more mighty than a sword. Putting them together to make a whole far greater than the individuals. But what if it's the wrong words? History proves that the wrong word, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, can cause the deaths of those rivalled by a hurricane. A writer's job isn't easy. In fact it's incredibly hard. Using only words we must create fictional worlds, fictional stories that make you laugh. That make you cry, tremble with fear or fill you with hope. Taking the same words you find on any street corner and turning them into masterpieces. The barren page continues to mock, daring writers to write the words. To see what can happen. The blank page is the scariest thing to the writer, but oh so satisfying when filled.

Word Count: 301

Goodbye

Goodbye is such a funny word, isn't it. It implies happiness. We say 'Good morning', 'Goodnight', and for some rural folks 'Gudday'. But when we say this we generally want this person to have a pleasant morning, an agreeable night, a fantastic day. But we don't often want to say goodbye to people. Once in a while a person comes into your life that you never want to leave. But if history has taught us anything it's that things will always end. That nothing is forever. And try as we might we must all say goodbye at some point.

Goodbyes can be easier, or they can be hard. If we don't particularity like the person than it's more than easy to say 'goodbye, and good riddance'. But when we love that person then the parting is never good. It may occasionally be sweet sorrow, but it usually isn't. It's that fact that time is marching on; and all that we have left is the memories in our heads. And even they can be eroded away by time.

Often in the movies the hero has plenty of time to say goodbye. The bullet takes time to snuff out the candle of life, or the plane patiently waits for the monologue to end. But life isn't like a film. We don't get what we dream. They may die before we expect them to. The plane might need to leave now. And we never get the goodbye we want. Instead we say bye in a hopeful tone, that one day we'll meet again.

Perhaps that's why we say goodbye, not because we hate the ending, but because we wait the beginning. Not because we fear that we won't see each other again, but we hope that our passes will cross. At the end of the day no goodbye can be permanent if you don't want it to be. While they say nothing lasts forever, a goodbye can be the shortest thing in the world. And if it really is the last goodbye then make it one of hope, not despair. Because you never know when you might say hi again.

My First Poem

A world without you is like:
A film without pictures,
A song without music,
A story without words.

When you laugh I laugh.
When you cry I cry.
And when you smile the world seems less dark.

With you the minutes feel like hours,
The hours feel like days,
And time stops for these perfect moments.

Your problems are my problems.
I am you crutch
As we fight against the storm of life.

Through wind, rain, hail and snow,
I will be by your side
The moment you call.

So when this brief life ends
And if your resigned to Hell
I'll come down and join you.
Because any time with you is Heaven enough.

Friendship

Have you ever stopped, looked around, and wondered where the hell your friends came from? I don't mean the ones on Facebook, that exist as little more than text on a screen and random encounters at a party. No I mean your true friends, your BFFs. The ones you can tell anything to; and you know they'd listen. The closest thing you have to love without all the complication of dating and sex. Ever wonder how your friendship formed? There's over six billion people on this planet; and somehow you two meet. Sure it's a geographical thing, more than anything, but there's thousands of people living around you. Like bacteria in a drop of water, you are a minute nothing surrounded by others like you. And yet this friend exists; and they talk to you. You look back and barely remember how you met. Perhaps you were in diapers, or you just bumped into each other. Why are you friends, anyway? Sure you have common likes and interests, but it's more than that. A random stranger next to you might enjoy Doctor Who, but you aren't going to tell them how you struggle with your sexuality. Humans are social creatures, we form packs. Think about how many groups you have. You have work friends, old acquaintances, Facebook buddies. Would you reveal to any of them that you have a self-harm problem? So what makes you best friend so different, so important that life without them is like a fish trying to comprehend not living in water. A fact the mind literally can not process. Sure they bug the hell out of you sometimes, but that's the point. You can look past their flaws to see the true person. Sure they may never shut up, they might say the wrong thing or act in a manner most inappropriate. But where random strangers see a twat you see the true side, the side hidden from the world. The 'you; that only you and they will ever know about. Friendship is hard at times, irritating, annoying. But would you want it any other way?